


daydream

by hypegirl (orphan_account)



Category: NCT (Band), NCT Dream
Genre: Angels, Bilingual things, Car rides, ChenJi, Coffee Shops, Crack, Dark, Death, Fluff, Hallucinations, I hate myself, It’s really weird, Jichen, Libraries, Love at First Sight, M/M, Mental Illness, Pizza boy, Pizza delivery trope thing idk, Roommates, Studying, Sungle, Trigger Warnings, a shit ton of cliches, all the ship names, chensung - Freeform, for the impatient bitches lmaoo, it gets more fun as you go along, its really awkward, markhyuck, nomin, private schools, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:34:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21792316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/hypegirl
Summary: This is the kind of love that feels too good to be true.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 22
Kudos: 23





	1. star blossom

**Author's Note:**

> edit 3/23/20: love this fic hate the ending
> 
> edit: 5/5/20: hate this fic. hate everything about this fic. but worked way too hard to orphan it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys i’m back! this fic took me exactly two months (and several mental breakdowns), and i’m so happy we made it! the later chapter will require some trigger warnings, so just be wary of that. 
> 
> for each chapter, i’ve included a song in the chapter title (and will state the artist in the beginning notes, as well as an alternate music choice if it’s not your jam). for example, this first chapter:
> 
> -Doyoung and Sejeong
> 
> amc: Purple- Sohlee and Taeil. 
> 
> these are optional, as always. 
> 
> and yes i did name this fic after my favorite song but y’all as much as i love me some hobi if you listen to that while reading this it’s going to amplify the emotional roller coaster and you probably won’t survive.
> 
> It escalates very, very quickly, and gets quite dark, so I can’t stress enough how important it is that you don’t get yourself involved with this fic if you’re an emotionally fragile boi like myself.
> 
> I think that’s all I have to say for now, enjoy!

Chenle sighed quietly, adjusting the nearby light to cast its emerald glow across his page and running a hand through his freshly bleached hair.

Fucking foreign language credits. 

He stared down into the jumble of lines and circles again. It was no secret that Chenle was horrible at Korean, but was he so bad that he ended up at a library at 5 pm on a Friday— specifically the beginning of spring break?

The simple answer was yes. The more complicated answer was that our boy, having lived with a grand total of five Korean exchange students throughout his high school career, was a model student. For speaking and listening, that was. Reading and writing were another story. 

It had been nearly an hour, and Chenle had managed to read... 4 pages. And he wondered where that C+ average came from. 

Squinting again, Chenle managed to make out a “she” somewhere in the jumbled letters. He felt a throbbing headache coming on and yearned for a distraction, for COFFEE, for- 

The feeling of being watched suddenly washed over him. Chenle was sure he was just being paranoid, but he was nearly certain someone was looking at him. He propped his book up on the table, not reacting.

In all honesty, he quite enjoyed being looked at. It wasn’t that he was a secret narcissist or anything, it was just that he was certainly not one of the popular kids at school, and his roommates were usually off fucking each other (with the exception of Renjun, who ended up playing Call of Duty until the wee hours of the morning).

Chenle smiled softly to himself, pretending to be deeply engrossed in the novel he had open. He was sure someone was probably staring at him because he was wearing his shirt inside out or something, but savored the bit of attention nonetheless. 

Unable to keep his eyes focused on the page for too long, he glanced to the nearby window, where he could already see the moon’s distinct glow against the steadily darkening sky.

Chenle placed a hand to the back of his neck, about to turn back to his page when he locked eyes with a kid sitting in a chair to his left. 

On the bright side, he now knew where the feeling of being watched stemmed from. He saw the boy’s face flush with color as he immediately glanced back to the book he was clutching.

On the flip side—there was no better way to say it—the almost-instantaneous effect this kid had on Chenle was nothing less than devastating. 

He knit his brow, mouth slightly open as he slowly turned in his chair. 

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

Chenle whipped back around, all of a sudden, to take yet another (extremely subtle) glance at him.

The book lay forgotten on the table as he gazed at the boy’s pale pink hair, his round rimmed glasses perched at the the tip of his nose, the way he’d rolled his black sweatshirt up to his elbows, the rosy blush still dusted across his cheeks-

Jesus Christ. 

Chenle froze in place as the other boy shifted slightly, running a hand through his hair.

His hands- 

Chenle’s brain was in the process of formulating a thought (that, in some way or another, would not have ended up SFW), when he choked on his own spit but didn’t want to cough and break the silence, so he ended up silently sitting with tears in his eyes, staring at the kid’s hands. 

He chastised his brain for a good minute, suddenly worried that the boy, despite being a good few yards away from him, could read his thoughts and hear the way his heartbeat sped up ever so slightly. Or maybe look up and see that he was literally crying looking at him.

Chenle forced himself to pick up his book again, momentarily squeezing his eyes shut from embarrassment and attempting to clear his throat.

For the record, he wasn’t usually like this.  
In fact, he’d never felt like this towards literally anyone. 

He didn’t even know the kid, for god’s sake. 

After a couple of minutes of staring at the Hangul script, Chenle saw something flying nearby out of the corner of his eye. 

He looked down to where a tiny paper airplane had seemingly crashed into the leg of the table. 

Picking it up, Chenle couldn’t help but think of how cute it was. That is, until he unfolded it. 

The note was written in Korean that, for some reason, seemed exponentially easier to understand than the novel. 

“~you’re reading that upside down :)”

Oh. 

Chenle remained silent, looking over the note again.

Shit. 

He quickly spun his book around, casting a feeble smile towards the boy as he felt his face grow warm. 

Of COURSE he would fucking- 

Chenle deflated slightly in his seat, chastising his brain once for believing for even a second that the boy was looking at HIM.

He grimaced, staring back into his book with a sigh. Well, at least it was slightly easier to read. 

Man, fuck foreign language credits. Should have taken English or something. Maybe German. German seemed nice. 

Chenle gave up, turning ever so inconspicuously to face the kid again, book in hand. 

Time for some very non-stalkerish staring. 

He made a bet with himself. If the kid made eye contact with him, he’d actually go and study for Korean. If he didn’t, he’d keep staring until he did. 

Yes, Chenle was usually like this. It was interesting. Didn’t help that Jaemin was usually a few minutes away shrieking about how strange a child he had raised. 

Chenle quietly brushed the hair away from his face and set his eyes on the boy, noticing everything. 

It had been approximately a minute before he suddenly looked upwards, locking eyes with Chenle as the blush reappeared on his face.

Chenle was too scared to look away. 

Ah, you dumbass bitch. 

Then some part of his brain woke up and went ‘he’s blushing because of youuuu-‘ (sounding strangely like Haechan) which Chenle knew wasn’t true; he was obviously blushing because he’d just found another kid staring at him as if they were preparing to eat him for dinner or something. 

He glared back down at his book, but felt the boy’s eyes on him again. 

haha, what? 

He looked back up, making eye contact with the kid who’s book lay long forgotten, watching the corner of his mouth tilt upwards in a half smile. 

Chenle was sure he would combust any second, still grinning like a fucking fool as he looked back to his book, focusing on the sentence he’d been staring at for the past twenty minutes. 

‘She felt herself begin to fall.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and so it begins.


	2. tongue tied

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Grouplove
> 
> amc: love my way- psychedelic furs

“Where the fuck have you been?” 

Jaemin stood right in front of the door as Chenle walked in, wielding his spatula threateningly. 

“Speak Chinese.” 

“NO.” 

“Fine then, I don’t know what you’re saying.” Replied Chenle, switching between the two languages with ease. 

The Korean boy scoffed. “Ugh. Where have you been?” 

“Library. Studying.” 

“Ha!” Haechan snorted from the hallway. “Used that excuse before. What were you actually doing?” 

Chenle blinked. “Studying.” 

“Guys, don’t be so harsh on him. He was probably doing what he says he was.” Jeno sighed, appearing from the kitchen with a bag of Pocky. 

“Thank you.” Chenle dropped his bag on the floor. 

“I can’t believe I’m stuck with you clingy bitches for the next two weeks.” Renjun said loudly, pushing past Haechan to steal Jeno’s Pocky. “Chenle, darling, remind me again why we decided that living with two couples was a good idea?” 

Chenle shrugged, noticing Haechan rolling his eyes. “Hey, where is Mark anyways?” 

“College-ing.” 

As if on cue, a scream of “fUCK” echoed through the hall. 

Renjun nodded. “College-ing.” He turned to Chenle. “Hey, you okay?” 

“What? Me? I’m fine. I’m golden.” 

“He looks like he’s seen a ghost or something.” Muttered Jaemin, casting his spatula away to wrap Chenle in a nearly-suffocating hug. 

“I’m serious.” Chenle choked out, prying Jaemin off of him. “I’m okay.” 

“It’s a boy.” Haechan deadpanned, to the instant horror of all three of the others. “Our youngest has finally gone hormonal.” 

“Not true!” He protested. “Wait, why’d you think I was gay?” 

“No one’s straight in this household.” 

Renjun furrowed his brow. “I’m straight-“ 

Even Jeno laughed at that. 

“Hey!” 

“Sorry, sorry.” 

“Back to Chenle please?” 

“HEy!” 

“Alright, yes, back to Chenle.” Haechan smirked. “You know we’re not going to stop bothering you about this until you tell us something, right?” 

Chenle pouted. “There’s nothing to tell.” 

“Doubt it.” Jeno murmured, snatching his Pocky back from Renjun. 

“You too?” Chenle looked betrayed. 

“He’s been spending too much time with Jaemin.” Mark appeared with a cup of instant ramen. 

“You do realize you can eat real food now, right?” 

“Hey, I like ramen! But what’s this I hear about Chenle?” 

“Well..” Began Haechan, as Chenle quickly covered his ears and started screeching “nO, nO, nO” over and over again. 

“We believe—“ 

“NO, GOD, PLEASE NO—“ 

“—Chenle has himself a crush.” 

Mark nodded solemnly. “I see. Based on what evidence?” 

“I just know these things, okay?” Sighed Haechan, exasperated. 

Mark raised an eyebrow as Jaemin turned excitedly to Chenle. “So? What does he look like?” 

Renjun’s eye roll was almost audible. 

“I...”Chenle looked around desperately, but got no cover. “I don’t know, I didn’t see him fo—“ 

“Y’all hear that?” Jeno said quietly as Jaemin clapped. 

“YOu done did fucked up, my dude.” Renjun added unhelpfully. 

Mark looked quite surprised that Haechan was, indeed, correct. 

“Whatever.” Chenle sighed. “You guys leave me alone. I’m about to attempt to fall asleep.” 

He ignored the shriek of, “Ay! It’s eight o’clock!” as he locked himself in his room   
to gay panic for a very long period of time.


	3. angel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -NCT 127
> 
> amc: Coffee Break, Lucas and Jonah something and someone else I forgot sorry
> 
> ah yes i like this chapter

When Chenle rolled out of bed the next morning, it was with the jarring realization that he was about to be late to work. 

On a Saturday morning such as this one, it was only expected that Chenle would be the only one up. 

He got dressed in record speed, deciding breakfast wasn’t worth it as he dashed out the door. 

As Chenle approached the doorway, he glanced upwards to the almost comically minimalist sign hanging from above: “COFFEE”. 

He ducked inside, breathing in the comforting scent of roasting coffee beans. 

Xiaojun shot Chenle a warning glance as he chucked an apron towards him.

He caught it, tying it behind him as he replied with a sheepish smile. 

“You’re about to get both of our asses whooped.” The older boy muttered as he put on a fake smile, turning to the customer who’d just strolled up to the counter. “Welcome to Café Coffee! How may I help you today?” He glared at Chenle, who quickly took his place by the espresso machines. 

The morning passed relatively quickly, Xiaojun leaving after a few hours because he was evidently not as utterly broke as Chenle. There was a surprising lack of difficulty with customers, with the exception of one woman who insisted on a peppermint mocha without the peppermint (“So, a mocha?”). 

He found himself glancing up towards the tiny clock in the corner far too often, finding that only a minute or two had passed with every interaction. 

In all honesty, Chenle was only here because he was a destitute fuck and happened to like coffee. 

Well, not nearly as much as Jaemin, who practically begged for a discount as soon as Chenle announced he’d got the job. 

Jaemin drank straight caffeine. It was a wonder he had survived for 18 years. 

Shaking away his distraction, Chenle’s head snapped back upwards as he heard someone walking up, breaking the silence of the last few minutes. “Hi, how ma—“ 

His throat went dry as his eyes widened with recognition. 

Oh, great.

It was the dude from the library, wearing literally a black T-shirt and smiling— fucking smiling— as if he didn’t know what the hell was happening. 

Well, in his defense, Chenle really had no idea what the hell was happening either; all he really knew is that he was standing there with his eyes all big and a dumb expression on his face when he should have been doing his actual job. 

“May I take your order?” Chenle managed to wheeze. 

“Hi, can I get a small iced americano, please?” He smiled again, then glanced back to the other boy, who had all but collapsed right there behind the counter. “A-are you alright?” 

“Me? Haha, I’m fine. Hahahaha. Can I get a name for that?” 

The boy blinked. “For what?” 

“Oh, uh, for the coffee.” Chenle leaned forward a little too far, catching himself right before he fell and attempting to look calm by shooting an awkward smile.

“Oh. It’s Jisung.” 

Chenle scrawled the name on a cup, deciding he liked it. He liked everything. 

Not that it was his place to have an opinion. 

Why was he thinking about this again? 

He made his way to the side to make the drink, trying not to notice the fact that he felt Jisung’s eyes following him again. 

Was the apron on backwards, or something? He wouldn’t put it past himself. 

Chenle scurried around, glaring at the cup to avoid looking up. It was probably because his hair had decided to be extra curly today. Yeah, no, that was probably it. There was no way he’d actually been recognized, since he’d never been looked at in the first place, since this and that and Chenle was slowly driving himself insane but smiled through it. 

He finally went back to the counter, handing the boy his drink without calling his name because he was literally the only one there. 

Which meant they were alone.

Which meant nothing. 

ahhaahahahahha wot

Jisung took it with a smile and a quiet “thank you”, but didn’t move. 

Chenle stood frozen to the spot. 

“What’s your name?” 

“Heh?” 

“I’m not a stalker, I promise. I was just wondering what your name was.”

He had no idea why he was being asked this, but gave it anyway. “Chenle.” 

Chenle prayed that Jisung wouldn’t actually say his name, because that would be far too much for his weak heart. 

This whole interaction was already doing something to it, and he kind of didn’t like it but mostly did. 

“Nice to meet you.”


	4. can i call you tonight?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Dayglow
> 
> amc: instagram, DEAN

As Chenle was cleaning up and preparing to leave, he noticed a small, folded piece of paper on top of his phone, which he had forgotten about and placed beside on a nearby table in the morning.

Oh, please don’t tell me I managed to write your name upside down or something, he internally whined. 

He was surprised to find a phone number scrawled across it. 

That part of Chenle’s brain woke up again. 

Ooh, who been flirting with you? 

He brushed it off, figuring someone probably just dropped it. 

There was no way it would—

Upon flipping it over, he found the words “jisung, library boy”. So he did remember. 

Told you, the voice in his brain muttered.

Chenle’s first reaction had been to silently panic before figuring out what had to be done.

Now, he sat in his dimly lit room, staring at his calculus textbook as the piece of paper glared at him from across the room. 

Man, fuck accelerated math. 

The rest of his lovely roommates had long disappeared to some party (even Renjun and Mark, which was new) which meant they probably wouldn’t be back until, like, 5 am. 

Chenle glanced passively to the alarm clock behind him, which read 9:00. He couldn’t possibly have been doing godforsaken limits for two hours. 

Sighing loudly, he slammed the book closed and covered his face with his hands. 

Two weeks. Two weeks of freedom. 

And yet, Chenle sat alone in his room on a Saturday night studying. 

Fuck it, he thought, shifting his gaze to his laptop. Food is more important. 

Chenle ordered a pizza online to avoid as much human interaction as possible. 

As one does. 

To pass the time until his sustenance arrived, Chenle spun aimlessly around in his swivel chair until he felt his head begin to throb, falling in a heap on the floor when he abruptly stopped. 

He stared at the note sitting beside his bed, scrunching his nose up in deep thought. 

Chenle could call Jisung. Or he could eat pizza alone and jam out to Red Velvet at 3 am. 

Speaking of pizza, the doorbell rang, startling Chenle out of his thoughts as he scrambled up from the floor, wad of cash in hand. 

He cracked open the door and slammed it shut almost immediately, leaning back against it. 

Honestly, this sounded like some crappy rom-com/fanfic thing. 

And as much as Chenle loved gay fanfiction, he wasn’t sure he wanted to live it.

He slowly pulled the door open again, glaring at his feet. 

Jisung smiled at him, wearing his sweatshirt with the hood up and clutching a box of pizza. 

Chenle suddenly felt ultra-conscious of his own appearance, of the old black sweatpants and the white t-shirt that clung far too close to his skinny frame.

“Hi, am I at the wrong address, or..?” 

“Nope.” Chenle allowed himself to glance upwards yet again to make sure his eyes hadn’t deceived him. 

Three times in two days? Seemed unlikely. 

“Are you following me?” He blurted, instantly regretting it. 

Jisung’s eyes widened as he tugged his hood down. “What? No! Why would you...” 

Chenle remained silent. 

“I saw you once at the library, then I got coffee, then you ordered pizza. It all seems...” He shrugged. “Normal?” 

Chenle figured it could all be a (weird) coincidence, but still said nothing. 

“Oh, did I say something wrong? Sorry, my Chinese isn’t the best—“ 

“Wait, where’re you from?” 

Jisung shrugged, still holding the pizza box. “I’m Korean.” 

“Well, why didn’t you say anything?” 

“This is literally the first real conversation we’ve had!” He sputtered. 

Chenle sighed, switching his brain setting from Chinese to Korean. “Okay, well...” 

The two remained quiet. 

“Nice seeing you?” 

Chenle winced, closing the door behind him as Jisung nodded. 

Fuck.

His doorbell rang again. “Wait, your pizza!” 

“O-oh!” 

He opened the door, taking the pizza box and handing Jisung the wad of cash. 

Chenle wasn’t hungry anymore, his heart felt like it would explode or implode or something. Nodding and closing the door again, he scrawled a note and left it beside the box on the table. 

His friends were usually starving after parties, and Chenle had seen them eat frozen pizza without baking it before, so they probably wouldn’t be bothered. 

He spun back around, staring at the door. For some reason, he couldn’t seem to move. 

Chenle shuffled closer, caught off guard by how fast his breathing had become. 

Man, he couldn’t have gotten a warning of some sort or anything before his brain started doing weird shit. 

He weighed his options. Walk away and eat your motherfucking pizza quietly, or—

Well, he wasn’t really sure what the “or” option was. 

But he intended to find out. 

Chenle slowly pulled the door open, watching Jisung freeze in his place. 

So he hadn’t left. 

Huh. 

“Hey.” He said quietly, trying to form some kind of a coherent sentence before his brain caught wind of what he was doing and made him stop. “Uh, what time do you, uh...” Chenle hoped the other boy would catch his drift, because he really didn’t want to say the rest. 

“Actually, you’re my last delivery..” Jisung avoided eye contact. 

“S-sorry if I read the situation wrong, or anything, but do you wanna, uhm, do something?” 

“Something?” 

“Anything.” Chenle smiled weakly up at Jisung, watching him raise his eyebrows slightly. 

“Do you mean, like..” 

“Anything.” He shook his head quickly. “Wait, no, not like anything weird.” 

“Yeah, no, not like—“ Jisung gulped. 

“Just.. Do you want to do something? With me?” 

Chenle’s emotional ass watched Jisung’s face light up with excitement and he nearly started crying. 

“Uh, I’ll be back in five minutes. I mean, yes. Okay. Yes. Don’t go anywhere, okay? I’ll be back.” Jisung sprinted down the hallway. 

“Where am I gonna go?” Chenle muttered, and it seemed as though Jisung heard it, because he turned and grinned and Chenle thought he might die. 

Somebody give this boy the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and so it continues. shits about to go down bois


	5. shelter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -FINNEAS (my main mans)
> 
> amc: dream in a dream- TEN
> 
> i’ve rewritten this chapter so many times it’s not even funny, and i’m still not happy with it.

There was something about driving down a nearly empty road in the pitch darkness that felt strangely liberating. 

Something about meaningless conversation in hushed voices made Chenle feel alive. 

He didn’t know where they were going, but in the words of someone wise (probably Mark), the journey was more important. 

It barely occurred to him that Jisung was virtually a stranger. 

To Chenle, it felt as though they’d known each other forever— as though he’d always been there. 

Chenle knew Jisung felt the same way when he felt the way his eyes lingered on him long after he’d stopped talking.

“You know, if you keep staring at me, someone might get the wrong idea.” He murmured half-teasingly, turning onto a random road. 

Jisung froze for a second before cocking his head to the side like a puppy. “And what’s that?” 

Chenle smiled, tearing his eyes away from the road for only a second to look at the boy next to him. “Oh... I dunno. Maybe that you like me or something?” 

The radio’s volume was turned up slightly, the bubblegum pop and raindrops splashing against the windshield the only sounds. 

“Well, we wouldn’t want that, now would we?” 

Chenle said nothing.

Jisung spoke again, voice slightly lower this time. “Why does this feel like this?” 

“...Like we probably fucked in a past life and now we’re like this and we don’t know where we’ve seen each other but we know that we’ve seen each other?”

“Y-yeah. Exactly.” 

“Well,” Chenle paused, taking another right turn. “Quite possibly because we’ve fucked in a past life.” 

“Turn here.” 

The Chinese boy did as he was told. “Where exactly are we going?”

“Dunno.” 

There was near silence in the car, with the exception of the soft song neither of them were paying much attention to. 

Chenle parked in what appeared to be a pretty much deserted parking lot, surrounded by a few buildings that might have made up a mall of sorts during the day time.

“Aight, it’s too quiet and I also have a really, really dumb question.”

“Shoot.” 

“Since you work at a pizza place, have you ever gotten one of those, like, ‘send your cutest delivery boy’ notes?” 

This was evidently not a question that Jisung had expected, because he raised an eyebrow before smiling awkwardly. “Uh, I mean.. Once or twice. But they usually send Yangyang and no one can ever complain about—“ 

“Why don’t they just send you though?” Chenle bit his tongue. “I mean, that’s not...” He trailed off since Jisung had started almost silently giggling beside him. 

Chenle grinned, sighing softly. “Ah, if only Jaemin could see us now.”

“Who’s Jaemin?” 

“Oh, just one of my roommates. I got four of them. Well, four and a half.” 

“Can’t relate, I just live alone in a dorm room.”

Chenle suddenly perked up. “Really? Where do you go? I go to SM, but I haven’t seen you around— do you go to JYP? Wait, please don’t you say you go to Big Hit, those kids are fucking terrifying—“

Jisung looked clueless. “I- I don’t go to any of those schools... But we’re not talking about me.” He brightened immediately. “Where were your roommates tonight?” 

“Ah, at a party.”

They-they just left you there?” 

Chenle shook his head. “Nah, I didn’t really want to go anyways..” But he was fairly sure that Jisung hadn’t heard him.

“You don’t just, like, leave—“

“It’s fine. Seriously.” Chenle protested as his ears went red. He’d honestly tried to hide how endearing he found Jisung’s concern, but as always, he felt most logical things exponentially more difficult when around the other boy. “How ‘bout you?” 

“Me? Oh, I’m not that interesting.” He blinked a few times before restoring eye contact.

“I’m sure you’re quite interesting. And I meant that in a non-creepy way, just..” 

Jisung laughed, eyes twinkling slightly. He turned to smile fondly at Chenle, who quickly shrunk down in his seat. 

“You know, under other circumstances, I’d really like to get to know you better.” 

“Under other circumstances?” Chenle raised an eyebrow. “I-is everything okay?” 

“Yeah, sorry. That’s not what I meant to say, it’s just the language..” 

“Oh.” The Chinese boy turned to gaze out of the window, trying desperately to look nonchalant. “Well, I’d like to get to know you better too. It’s so weird, there’s so many things I want to say to you but I don’t know how to say them.” 

He heard Jisung start to say something, but then cut himself off. 

Chenle looked inquisitively up at the stars above. 

“Actually, I- I wanted to tell you something.” 

Chenle only really half-heard Jisung, too absorbed in his own thoughts.

“Chenle?” He felt Jisung’s hand on his shoulder and turned abruptly. His fingers brushed Chenle’s skin only for a second before he pulled it away.

The Chinese boy’s hand flew to the side of his neck, which felt numb and cold as though Jisung himself was made of ice. He should have ignored it and moved on, but the horrified expression on the other boy’s face was enough to tell him that something wasn’t right. 

Perplexed, Chenle grabbed Jisung’s wrist and felt the chill spread from the palm of his hand all throughout his body.

He broke away quickly. “Wh-“ 

The Korean boy’s eyes were suddenly steely, but unable to mask his fear. 

Chenle, who was still incapable of forming a sentence, tried to process the rush of thoughts to his brain. 

It should have hurt. But Chenle found himself strangely intoxicated by the feeling, so utterly confused but fascinated at the same time. Something told him he shouldn’t enjoy it, but he did. 

It was like he was in a trance.

Chenle felt himself leaning in so quickly that Jisung had pressed himself up against the passenger side door. 

He looked up, not bothering to brush away the strands of hair that had fallen directly in front of his line of vision. Chenle searched the other boy’s face, finding nothing but the constant fear. 

“Are you scared?” After a moment, he added, “Of me?” 

The answer was all he needed.

“Never.” 

And when they kissed, Chenle felt his blood freeze and a searing pain spread out from the center of his chest. He felt his brain fill with numbers and colors and shapes as his entire body went numb. 

It felt wonderful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y’all best prepare yourselves


	6. the truth untold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: referenced seizure, hospital shit
> 
> -BTS
> 
> amc: Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol

This wasn’t his room. 

It was lonely and dimly lit, immaculate and nearly empty save for the bed in the corner.

The color white all around was nearly blinding as Chenle pushed himself upwards into a sitting position on the too-fire mattress. 

This wasn’t right. 

Almost immediately after he righted himself and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, the door in the corner buzzed softly and opened. 

“Renjun!” He called, throat going dry as he saw his best friend’s face. “What’s wrong? Where am I?” 

Renjun exhaled shakily, sifting on the corner of Chenle’s bed and staring at the wall. 

“Wh-where...” 

He pieced it together, inhaling the always- present sterile smell that he’d hated his whole life.

“Am I okay?” 

Renjun looked him up and down, dark circles visible from lack of sleep as he stared into Chenle’s eyes with his own deadened ones. “I don’t know.” 

Something about how dead Renjun looked and how serious the situation seemed to be prompted Chenle to stifle a giggle. 

Renjun glared. “What’s funny?”

“Nothing, I just... where are the others?” 

The other boy avoided the question, replying with one of his own. “What happened last night?” His tone was sharp, something Chenle wasn’t used to. 

“Well..” Chenle squinted, trying to remember. “There was a car, and it was raining, and Jisung...” 

“Who’s Jisung?” 

“Just a friend.” He gulped. 

“You’ve never mentioned him before.” Renjun sounded more and more cautious with every passing moment, only adding on to Chenle’s confusion. 

“Huh. I guess not.” 

A knock at the door caused Chenle to jump slightly. He watched Renjun stiffen and dart out of the room before the woman with the clipboard could make her way inside.

She glanced after him with a raised eyebrow before turning back to Chenle. “How are you feeling?” 

How am I supposed to be feeling? he thought, but answered, “Okay. Would you mind telling me what happened?” 

Chenle considered asking her who she was, but decided that was probably somewhat rude. He watched her blink a few times at him before replying, seeming disoriented.

“You had a seizure, but you should be getting better now— it says here you don’t have a history of any conditions that would...” 

Chenle tuned out at this point, shock slowly registering on his face. It all seemed so sudden, so much like a particularly strange dream. He was so overwhelmed by it, feeling the urge to talk to someone. 

If Renjun’s odd behavior was any indication, his friends probably weren’t the way to go. And as nice as the lady seemed, he doubted he’d be able to confide in a stranger. 

“.. You’ll need to tell me if you see or hear anything strange, because you may be experiencing ha—“

“I’m so sorry to interrupt,” Chenle turned away from the wall. “But has anyone came to see me?” 

She flipped to a new page on her clipboard. “There were five boys, I can send them in if you want.” 

Chenle felt a pang of disappointment, but brushed it away quickly. “No one else?”

The lady smiled, standing up. “No, sorry.” She gestured to a cart of small boxes that sat beside the bed. Had that always been there? “These are just some painkillers, since it’s probable that you’ll feel your head hurting at some point today.” 

The boy had so many questions, but kept his mouth shut as the lady made her way towards the door. 

She stopped suddenly, turning around with an afterthought. “If you don’t mind me asking, who were you expecting other than those five boys?” 

Chenle was caught off guard by the question. He muttered his name quickly, feeling somewhat embarrassed. 

The lady looked horrified for a fraction of a second before she quickly scribbled something down.

He felt his heart rising into his throat. “Wait, what’s wrong?” 

She shook her head, quickly pasting on a fake smile. 

“Is he okay?” 

Biting her lip, she answered softly. “If you see him again, you need to tell me. Okay?”

“Wait, why? What did he-“

“Okay?” 

“But why?” 

She closed her eyes. “Do you promise to tell me, Chenle?” 

Chenle nodded slowly, trying to swallow his worry. As she left, he decided he had to see Jisung again. It didn’t matter when they met anymore, or how much time they’d spent together. Chenle felt a throbbing ache throughout his entire body as he panicked. 

If something had happened to that boy and he was the cause—

Please, just tell me you’re okay, he pleaded in his head, wishing there was some way for Jisung to hear him. 

Chenle squeezed his eyes shut, every second of silence forcing him deeper into an ocean of what- if’s. 

“Why didn’t you listen to me?” 

His eyes flew open, searching around his room and finding no possible source for the voice. “Where are you?” 

Chenle heard a shaky breath and whipped around violently. In the corner of his room sat Jisung, knees tucked close to his chest as he buried his face in his arms.

At first, Chenle felt relief washing over him in waves, but it was quickly replaced with concern. “What’s wrong?” 

“I’m so sorry.” He paused, looking up with bloodshot eyes. “This is all my fault. I should have just told you in the first place.” 

“Told me what?” 

Jisung smiled weakly, tears glistening on his cheeks. “This part’s always the hardest. Then again, I suppose I shouldn’t be able to feel that. I shouldn’t be able to feel anything. A simple flaw in the design, I guess.” 

“I don’t— you’re—“

“I’m nothing more than elaborate daydream.” He shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry. You’d be okay if it weren’t for me.” 

“But I am okay!” Chenle protested, voice raising an octave as he attempted to process Jisung’s words.

“No. You’re not.” He said with a smile. “You never will be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m really sorry but it gets worse


	7. july

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: implied suicide, drug abuse, mental illness, suicidal thoughts, etc.
> 
> i really did try to make it angsty but i had my own thing going on so it kinda just became my mess of emotions transferred to chenle. i’m sorry about that
> 
> -Noah Cyrus
> 
> amc: visions of gideon, Sufjan Stevens

As Jisung stood up, Chenle could see how weak he was, smiling in a way that never reached his eyes. 

The Chinese boy blinked a few times, still struggling to make sense of what he’d heard. “I- I’m going to need some form of explanation from you.”

Jisung shot him a sympathetic look, pacing around the room. 

Tension hung thickly in the air. 

“I’ve been doing this for a while now.” He turned to the boy on the bed. “This never happened.

“You know, I originally came to give you a message. I’ve delivered so many people messages over the years, I’ve lost count. They’re always of the same type.

“I don’t know how I’m expected to just show up in people’s minds and be like, ‘hey, you’re dying’. for centuries on end.” He paused to scoff. “But this time, oh god, I really fucked it up this time.” 

Chenle honestly had so many questions following that cryptic monologue, but decided on, “Why did that lady get all weird when I mentioned you?” Because that was obviously the most important and relavent question to ask.

“Quite possibly because my dumbass is stuck with the same name every time, so she’s probably had many patients who.. Well, you know.” He looked upwards. “I pity the poor idiot who’s named Jisung in real life.” 

Chenle squinted, hating how dumb he probably sounded. “So.. I’m sorry, I don’t understand, but what exactly are you?” 

Jisung stopped pacing to consider this. “Well, in simple terms, I’m a hallucination.” The grin that followed after he said this was nothing less than unsettling. “I show up in a lot of people’s lives, I guess, sort of befriend them before, you know, telling them what’s happening.” 

A hallucination. Out of all of the people in the world, Chenle just had to fall for the one that wasn’t real. The only reasoning, at this point, would be that he was crazy. He let that sit in his mind for a while. The word ‘crazy’ suddenly seemed so harsh. 

“You didn’t think to tell me?” 

“You see, I was about to, when—“ 

“You should have told me.” He said coldly, physically feeling his mood swing like a pendulum. 

“And that’s precisely why I say I fucked up this time.” 

There was a moment a silence.

“I really don’t care.” Chenle glared, not sounding like himself. “This is my life— hell, so many people’s lives— that you’ve destroyed simply by existing.” The words came out sharper than intended, considering the way Jisung visibly flinched.

“I- I know. And I’m really, really sorry. But there’s nothing else I can do. I’m stuck doing this forever, just ruining everything.” He said quietly. 

Chenle silently felt anger bubbling up inside him, but attempted to subdue it. “I still don’t get why you couldn’t just tell me like you told everyone else.” He thought back to the car, Jisung’s fingers brushing his skin for an instant and sending something comparable to an electric shock throughout his entire body. 

“Strangely enough, no one’s ever tried touching me before. It seems it comes with some..” Jisung hesitated. “Side effects.” 

That was all it took. “Side effects?” Chenle nearly screeched, eyes wide. “I had a fucking seizure and I’m in a fucking hospital room and why are you so calm it’s fucking annoying god I hate everything I wish I was never born—“ He paused to inhale. “—and it’s just occurred to me that by having this conversation with you means I’m still hallucinating which—“ He giggled nervously. “—which is, ha, not good.” 

Jisung was temporarily speechless, standing in the corner of the room and watching Chenle as he breathed heavily. “I can’t believe I did this.” He muttered finally.

“No shit, Sherlock.” 

The wounded expression on Jisung’s face sent Chenle into yet another sudden downwards spiral, this time of weakness and sympathy and ‘oh my god i’m such a terrible person here take all of my love’-ness. 

“I’m sorry.” He managed to choke out, shocked by the fact that he felt tears pricking his eyes. 

Chenle, being a teenager, had dealt with his fair share of mood swings, but never anything like this. 

“Why? You didn’t do anything wrong.” He stepped closer. 

“I- I somehow fell in love with a hallucination, yeah, I guess that counts as something wrong.” 

“Wait.” Jisung smiled sincerely for the first time the whole day, and it made Chenle’s heart flutter abruptly. “Me? Really?”

I shouldn’t be able to feel anything.

Chenle nodded, just to see Jisung get all shy. It was like he’d just forgotten the entire conversation, all of the pain he’d felt. 

A simple flaw in the design, I guess.

Jisung faltered only for a second before dropping his voice to a whisper. “I have to go.” 

“What? Why?” Chenle reached out to grab the other boy’s arm, but he pulled it away. 

“This is a good thing, I promise. Once I leave, you’ll never see me again. It’ll be like this was all just a weird dream.” 

Something inside Chenle’s mind cried out desperately as he watched Jisung make his way towards the door. “Wait, what if I want to see you again?” 

“Trust me.” He chuckled mirthlessly. “You don’t want that.” 

“But I do!” 

“Goodbye, Chenle. I’m sorry about all this. I’ll be going now. Please try your best to forget about me.”

“Wait—“

The door swung closed, leaving Chenle perplexed. His heart was racing as his brain told him 30 conflicting things, replaying all of the limited memories he had of them together. 

He shouldn’t want this. He should just be relieved that Jisung was gone, and go back to his old life with his friends. 

Another part of Chenle’s brain continued it’s protests, slowly forcing him to believe that there was no other option but to see him again. 

How? He asked himself, silently. 

Chenle’s eyes darted to the cart left in the corner of his room as the oddly comforting voice in this head got infinitely louder, telling him that this was the only way.

He looked over the various boxes of medicines with a sense of dread, anticipating what he knew the voice was going to force him to do, sooner or later. 

Would Chenle really die for this? It seemed so sudden, so hopelessly romantic, so unbelievably dumb. 

But he had to go back. 

And it was the only way. 

He paused for a moment to stare at the several pills that he had dumped into his shaking hand. 

Chenle examined them, as if their various shapes and sizes would tell him anything. 

He was left with only a minute or two to question all of the decisions he’d made in his 17 years of life that led him to this moment, sitting alone in a hospital room about to do something extremely stupid all because he was suddenly pining for someone who he’d despised only a few seconds ago, and who also wasn’t real. 

Was it worth it?

The voice went silent for a few moments, supercut of memories still playing in the background. 

Stolen glances, hushed conversations, and awkward interactions that Chenle would give anything to go through again, to feel like maybe, just maybe, he could just be a kid, feeling things. 

And so, Chenle was forced to do the thing, allowing himself to revel in the encouragements of the voices in his head, awaiting whatever he was falling towards. 

At that moment, he was just a boy in love. 

And that was all he’d ever be.


	8. epilogue: heavenly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- cigarettes after sex
> 
> amc: everything i wanted, Billie Eilish
> 
> you guys don’t know how proud I am of you. keep doing what you’re doing.

A place so beautiful had never existed before this moment. 

Chenle took a step forward, half smiling as he marveled at his surroundings. 

A blend of brilliant colors, making Chenle feel as though he was standing before a backdrop of smudged pastels. 

Every step he took make a quiet clicking noise that echoed through the space, even though it seemed like he was walking on nothing but air. 

He half knew where he was, but could never be sure. 

It seemed almost too calm. 

Chenle prayed that the voices he’d heard at least had some truth to them, since he’d hate to think he’d died for nothing. 

For now, he continued exploring this world, feeling quite like a child. 

He stopped quickly, listening to the echo of his last footsteps as a familiar feeling washed over him. 

Chenle was being watched. 

He allowed himself some satisfaction in the feeling, trying his best to look as though he hadn’t noticed as his heart pounded. 

“Tell me you didn’t.” 

Chenle turned at the voice seeing Jisung standing a few feet away from him, attempting to suppress a smile. His pink hair was ruffled and the round glasses had returned, looking exactly how he had when they’d first met. 

Strange, how his footsteps hadn’t made any noise. 

“How long have you been standing there?” 

“Your whole life. Took you a whole 17 years to notice, I see.” 

Chenle rolled his eyes. “Too soon.” 

“Yeah, sorry. But seriously, why would you—“ Jisung cut himself off, looking up expectantly. 

“You’d be a goddamned liar if you said you didn’t know this would happen.” Chenle said, his voice lacking any venom.

Jisung shrugged. “It shouldn’t have ended this way.” 

“But this is the only way I wanted it to end. With you.” Chenle stepped forward to place his arms around Jisung’s neck, not feeling any of the coldness of before.

Jisung remained silent, looking down fondly at the boy before him. “For what it’s worth, I love you.” 

Chenle scoffed, teasing him. “You can’t even do that, you’re just—“

“Hey, I may be imaginary, but that doesn’t mean I’m not real.” 

“Quite on the contrary, I find you’re the realest thing I know right now.”

“Funny how that works out, isn’t it?” Jisung laughed softly. 

And when they kissed, it felt like memories and warmth, and Chenle giggled against Jisung’s lips, hoping they could be just like this forever. 

After all, he decided, love is nothing but an elaborate daydream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stay safe and stay happy. thank you for everything. ♡
> 
> -hypegirl


End file.
